Survivors Journey Part 9 – Fence Posts

My husband and I knew it was time to replace our builder-grade, ash wood fence. Over the past 10 years, the original wooden posts had been invaded by carpenter ants, deteriorating it at ground level, and severely compromising its structural integrity. I knew it was only a matter of time before it would come crashing down.  It was better to replace it on our schedule rather than when we were forced to. We opted for an 8’ board on board, cedar picket fence that would be secured by galvanized steel posts; a strong, beautiful fence that would last for years to come. Our first step was to take down the old, rotten one. With sledge hammer in hand, a team of testosterone driven teenagers began smashing down the old fence in preparation for the new one. As each panel was hauled off, my field of view became clearer, broader, and more spacious. I delighted in its removal, as it had become quite an eyesore.

With all the panels down, what remained were 32 rotted, wooden posts secured by 50 pounds of concrete buried at the base of each and every one. It would have been easy to take a skill-saw and shave them level to the ground, but just because you can’t see the posts anymore doesn’t mean their foundation is not firmly intact. No, we had to dig them out….one by one. We had to get the root; otherwise the steel posts would be unstable at best, and the new fence would be no better than the one we would replace. Oh, it would have looked pretty for a while, but rest assured it too would be anything but secure. If you’re going to go through the effort and expense of building a new fence, you obviously want your efforts to result in a quality product, right? Of course! I knew my journey was intended to be no different.

Looking at all the rotted, wooden posts and dreading the work that was before us, I paused for a moment to reflect on my survivor’s journey thus far. In the past several months I’ve revisited many painful times in my life. Throughout the process, I have allowed myself to finally feel the emotions surrounding those events that I had been denying for so long. It’s been emotionally, physically, and intellectually exhausting. Thinking about the fence, I wanted to ensure there was no stone left unturned or concrete that remained embedded in the soil from my journey to date. You can’t build a strong fence without first removing the old one…all of it. What purpose would the journey serve if I merely sawed off my fence posts at the surface but left their undesirable, deceitful foundation behind? No, I had to make sure the concrete roots were disposed of. In doing so, I could pour truth into the core of my being where lies had previously reined. It is there that the truth seed will flourish, and the real healing finally begins.

Deep inside me there are deposits (aka “lies”) that have prevented me from truly blossoming. Subconscious messages from abusive relationships have weighted me down, always impeding my ability to believe in myself. Every time I look into the mirror, I see what is wrong rather than what is right. It was time to shatter the concrete blocks below the surface and replace them with new, healthy, strong, concreted truths of who I am. I want to be FREE from the lies. To successfully accomplish that, I must demolish the old, concrete roots once and for all. I must leave no stone unturned.

One of the most difficult lies for me to overcome has been a negative body image. I’m sure most of you can relate to this in one way or another. The “puke” comment from Mark has been a HUGE concrete block for me that was buried deep in my soul. When discussing this with my therapist, she advised me to take part in an exercise with my husband that would begin to replace the “puke” mentality I had carried with one that was filled with “love, acceptance, and healthy vulnerability.” This exercise would require me to completely surrender to my husband in a way that I had never done before. My first reaction to her was, “ewww.” My second reaction was, “EWWW!” It took me nearly three months before I finally shared her advice with Clayton. I just couldn’t imagine voluntarily placing myself in such a vulnerable position. But as you will witness in my next Survivors Journey entry, her exercise would inevitably deposit unimaginable, indescribable, blocks of concrete truth like nothing before. This encounter would serve as the first galvanized steel fence post in my journey toward rebuilding a life based on truth, not lies.

Where in your life have you merely sawed off the old, rotten fence post but left a concrete lie behind?