When I was young, I had so much sadness in my heart. The majority of it was due to desires and expectations I had of my father that he was unable to meet. I loved him so, and all I ever wanted was to feel like I meant more to him than anything in the world…just to be Daddy’s Little Girl. In the midst of my sadness, I had a tendency to enter into self-destructive behaviors in order to hide and mask the pain. If I’m laughing, then no one will know how sad I am. If they’re laughing with me, maybe I’m helping to shroud their deep-seeded pain as well. When I say their, more often than not I am referring to the boot-scootin’ dance hall, beer drinking junkie I used to be. I was parading around for years as if everything was “fine.” While it worked rather well amidst a fallacious lifestyle, I now find myself faced with new challenges. How do I hide, mask, or laugh away the pain when those who surround me today can see right through it? No more dance halls to scoot about, no more long-neck beer to guzzle down or red-neck cowboys to hide behind.
Today, I learned my father has prostate cancer.
Just when I reach the point of feeling like his little girl…he once again breaks my heart by being human.
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