Love vs. Boundaries

My thoughts are heavy this morning of my oldest son, Brad. Brad is such an incredibly intellectual, articulate, and a handsome man who is nearly 24 and has thus far, wasted his adult life. Jumping from job to job, usually resulting from being fired for what , in my opinion, is lack of respect for authority and his inability to take criticism. He has no control over his emotions and continually lashes out at those who love him most. I believe this to be an act of desperation for us to continue to “prove” our love for him.

I used to struggle with boundaries in our relationship as a whole, but this morning I question how I should go forth with yesterday’s latest attack. Brad has been given time and again opportunities to go to community college on our dime, but first he must prove to us that he will commit and follow through with one semester. Once completed, we would reimburse him based on performance so that the following semester would be paid for. But this is not what HE wants. Recently, Brad approached his father and I with a desire to attend “Full Sail University” in Orlando, FL to the tune of $75,000. Uh…no. I investigated this “university” and believe it to be a waste of money that will inevitably result in his inability to attain today’s new found dream. After I expressed my feelings about the school and offered alternatives to him for consideration, I then expressed to him that when he calls, the conversations are solely about  him – never inquiring how I (we) are and what is going on in our lives. He immediately lashed out and spoke to me in ways I have never experienced – from anyone on this earth, ever. I understand we have a separate set of boundaries with various relationships in our lives, but at what point do we disconnect from our children (to a degree) and allow them to feel ostracized? Aside from all the “f-bombs” and “s-bombs” he lobbed over the fence at me, his request was to leave him alone and to forget he was ever was born. He stated he would never again consider himself to be part of this family and would no longer accept my calls, texts, or otherwise.

Mind you, this is not the first time Brad has done this, but what I struggle with at this point is how to establish appropriate and healthy boundaries for the latest assault. He has never apologized or taken accountability for previous assaults on me or this family. At what point do I blockade the verbal violence and no longer allow him to treat me this way? Should I continue to show him my love, or do I merely give him the distance he says he wants and wait for the call to come when he finally grows up enough to recover from his “cranial rectum” disease?

Many years ago, I sought and received forgiveness from Brad for my sins of the past – not being there for him for six years and his feelings of abandonment that resulted from extenuating circumstances (another blog, another time). Yes, believe it or not I was not a perfect mother (who is?) but I also never raised him to talk to me in the manner in which he has. I question the plight of today’s society that appears to have taught the youth that it is acceptable to speak to others in this manner. Where is respect for your elders and where did all the “f-bombs” come from? What on earth did I do to deserve this? Who does he think he is to continue to trample my feelings and expect that I will just continue to forgive him without his submission and admission of wrongdoing? Is that really what a mother is supposed to do? ….my heart says no. If I do, then there will never be an end to the verbal violence.

I’m just so pissed off about this, yet my heart breaks for his lost soul. There is a part of me that just wants to say, “Fine, <bleep> you too…,” but I know that would just be more ammunition for him in the future. He fails to see his role in how screwed up his life is and constantly views himself as a victim of everyone else’s shortcomings. No, he is never to blame. Victim, victim, victim. How I can relate to that so well, yet when will he finally realize that his destiny is within his own disciplines or lack thereof.

Where do I draw the line?

Would I allow others’ to treat me this way? No. So why should I allow him to and what is a healthy way to communicate that?

If I draw those lines in the sand, will they come back to haunt me later, and if they do should that even be a consideration of mine at this time?

Is “tough love” really what he needs?

Is excommunication the position I should take? Maybe more for my sake than for his?

Dilemmas to the nth degree as the plight of being the mother he needs escapes me.

How can a heart break time and again, yet love always seems to prevail?

The Necessary Tools

I remember my first apartment. It was to be MY first home – living on my own, scary yet exciting at the same time. I was 21 years old, newly divorced, and living in a one bedroom apartment that was so small you could poo, shower, and wash your hands at the same time. But it was all mine, and I was satisfied with that. My mother stopped by one day with a house-warming gift. I was so excited…that is, until I unwrapped it. The gift was a set of tools. TOOLS? What the heck? Where’s my crockpot, a set of pots and pans, dishes, or maybe even a pretty little something to put on the shelf? Tools? Oh my God…what was she thinking? Mom informed me that I needed to be equipped to take care of myself and to have the tools to fix things as needed.  Up to that point, who needed a hammer? When I wanted to hang a picture on the wall, I multi-purposded a high heeled shoe.  As for the screwdrivers…what’s wrong with the kitchen knife?  Never in a million years would I understand how important these tools would become and how they would set me up for a lifetime of self sufficiency.

As life progressed, these “tools” for self sufficiency would prove to be quite useful as well as destructive in ways I never imagined. It took me 23 years to realize that self sufficiency has little room in a marriage – a successful marriage that is.

More to come….

Friends

I guess I’m getting older. I mean…we’re all getting older, but the past several months I have found myself pausing to reflect and examine more so than ever. Take for example “friends.” Let’s first start with the ever popular Facebook friends. I’ve been thinking that there really should be a category for Facebook acquaintances. Let’s face it…all those people are really your friends, are they? Would you hang out with every single one of them at their home? Have you ever had dinner with them and actually taken time to invest in their lives? Do you know their history, their challenges (aside from the occasional Facebook posts, that is.) Do you know their heart, their struggles, their sin? I mean REALLY know them? Probably not….at least not most of them.

Recently, I did a sweep of sorts on my Facebook friends list and decided to establish a criteria basis of sorts for each, just to see who I really considered to be a “friend.” The questions were this: 1. Is this person a blood relative that I like – yes, I have relatives that I don’t particularly care for and don’t care to hear about what is going on in their life. No offense, just don’t. 2. Is this a person I would call at 2:00 am if I needed them? The results were amazing. Not only in the number of people I removed, but in the results that followed soon after.

I went from well over 200 (which by most accounts is a small number of “friends” to around 50 people. I’m thinking I need to create another set of criteria for the 50 and narrow it down some more. After all, friends are those who you not only invest in but also invest in YOU.

Just a thought…

Final Words To My Bent Tree Family

As many of you were made aware today, I have resigned my postion at Bent Tree effective immeditely. Several of you were witness to the events that took place with my health last Wednesday which has thusly required me to evaluate what is in the best interest of my health and my family.

Allow me to preface the fact that 13 years ago, I was diagnosed with epilepsy which was brought upon by two major head injuries I sustained – one from a car accident and another as a result of being hit in the head with the butt of a gun during a robbery. It has been a very difficult transition for me to come to grips with the fact that my physical limitations are in fact real and play a significant role in how I should be living my life.

I have placed a tremendous amount of pride in what I want to do and my contributions to society rather than what I should do to take care of myself and my family. This past Wednesday brought about a new understanding that I have attempted to deny for so many years. I have been selfish with my ambitions and lack of acceptance regarding physical ailments.

It is time for me to put my relationship with God first and to be still and listen for His guidance. I know in my heart that He will use my epilepsy for His glory at some point. Secondly, it is my obligation to put my family second and position myself to be in the best shape possible to give them all they need and deserve.

Reaching this decision was a difficult one because I love being at Bent Tree and seeing the work God is doing. I love with all my heart so many of you who I have come to know on a much deeper level than merely co-workers (and you know who you are!)

When I got home today, I began reflecting on what, if anything, I would want to be a lasting reminder of my time there. It’s not the work I did, the relationships I built, or even the laughter and “off color” humor I unintentionally brought about at times. No, none of that. I pray you will take time to refllect on my words and hear my heart in the manner which it is intended.

My heart broke over and over today with the most wonderful words of affirmations and prayers that I received from so many of you and the phone call I received this afternoon (John Paine.) It was the genuine hugs that I received and the tears that flowed from those that I least expected. Honestly, I never saw it coming. I thought I would merely walk in, say goodbye to a few folks, gather my things and head home. But what I received was a much greater gift than that – it was the gift of knowing I would be missed and that my efforts there were viewed and considered to be a valued contribution.

My prayer for you as a staff is that you will take time to affirm one another – regularly – to know and to feel the value that each of you brings to the common goal of the Kingdom. I pray you will tell those you serve alongside how valued they are and demonstrate by your actions that the term “family” is a genuine one – not just a word.

My only regret is that I never knew how much so many of you seemed to care. So much of the time I felt invisible. Part of that lays on my shoulders – the other part lays in the fact that there is tremendous segregation amongst the staff. I pray the next person who leaves finds themselves in a state of conflict when comtemplating the act of farewell, rather than being surprised by the love I hope they feel.

I want to thank those of you who kept hugging me even when I began to let go first. My time at Bent Tree has been one of tremendous personal growth that will forever be locked in my heart, and I thank you for that.

It’s never truly “goodbye”….it’s “see ya later.”

Michelle