Todays Parenting Lacks Boundaries and Discipline

What has happened to the parent–child relationship in today’s American family? I don’t know if any of you are as alarmed as I am, but I believe the lack of boundaries and discipline coupled by the ridiculously excessive electronic stimulation in today’s society is fueling an undeniably dangerous path for our children. This trajectory is producing a plethora of disrespectful, self-serving, and unyielding juveniles who will eventually be at the helm of our country’s leadership. The manner in which many of them are being groomed is enough to scare the bejeebers out of me.

In my opinion, an overwhelming number of today’s parents are entirely too concerned with being their children’s friends rather than their parents. That’s not to say you can’t have fun with your kids and enjoy time together, but kids need boundaries. They need discipline, structure, consistency, and a level of predictability. Children need to understand that their parents are the ones in control. Healthy boundaries, understood expectations, consistent consequences, and precise parent/child roles create a home environment where children feel safe and protected. Having these elements in place also promotes a household atmosphere that is reliable, calm, peaceful and orderly.

A friend of mine yells most of the time. It doesn’t matter if it’s a normal conversation or a heated argument with her husband; the volume level is consistently on the maximum level. The same characteristic has been groomed into their children. They all yell….all the time. It’s the noisiest, most chaotic environment I have ever been in. The word “no” in their house translates into “if you bug me enough, I’ll eventually give in and you can have what you want.” The manner in which their oldest daughter speaks to them just makes me cringe. She is disrespectful, mean-spirited at times, and whiny beyond what I am able to convey. It never ceases to amaze me how they can complain about their daughter; however they are not willing to establish and stand firm in appropriate boundaries, expectations, and consequences for her behavior. Rather, they merely shoulder the abuse or snap back at her in an elevated tone which merely fuels the dysfunction. What I see is an adult daughter who is failing to develop the necessary skills she requires to succeed in the real world. She is being taught that if you want to be heard, you must yell or whine and that “no” is negotiable.

While it is not for me to run their household or tell them how to raise their kids, it is for me to establish my personal boundaries when it comes to how their children treat me. I can say with complete honesty that NONE of my friends’ children treat me in the same manner in which they treat their parents. Why? Because they understand my boundaries and expectations and that level of behavior is not acceptable.

My husband and I were recently attending a family-friendly dinner gathering at the home of another couple. The kids were running around yelling, screaming, whining, and doing the opposite of what they were being told to do. As their behavior continued to escalate, the response from their parents was to reinforce instruction in a very calm and friendly manner. “….If you don’t stop, I’m going to…,” was continually being offered; however none of the so-called consequences ever came to fruition. At no time throughout the evening did the violators pay any price for their disregard to parental instruction. What kid would do as their parents told them to if they understood that the penalties were without merit? If you could drive as fast as you wanted with no regard to the speed limits knowing that police officers would merely administer a verbal warning for every offence, wouldn’t you continue to break the law? More than likely since there would be no consequence of any significant nature. Oh, you may be slightly inconvenienced as the officer verbally chastised you, but in the scheme of things it would be relatively painless. In other words, laws would merely take on the form of suggestions and you are free to do as you please because there is no real consequence for violating the boundaries set forth.

If you struggle with boundaries in your own life, know that this is precisely what you are modeling for your children. Without boundaries your children’s ability to learn is severely compromised and will generally derive at a much greater cost down the road. Children that lack respect for authority often times become adults who experience enormous challenges in the workplace, school, and relationships as a whole.

A friend of mine has an 11 year old son whose is completely out of control at home; however she continues to excuse his rambunctious behavior by telling me how well-mannered he is in the classroom. Ummm….Hello?! Of course he’s good in school! The teacher has boundaries and expectations in place with decisive consequences for said offences to behavioral outbursts and/or rule violations. If you would implement similar expectations at home and consistently hold him accountable when/if he violates those boundaries, your home life would be dramatically altered to the benefit of all involved.

How many times have you been in a restaurant and witnessed a child throwing a fit at the dinner table disrupting all those in the near vicinity? I’m not talking about a little outburst; I’m referring to those that go on and on and on. In my experience it happens all too often. I find myself wanting to lean over and ask the parents to please remove their child from the dining area and address their unacceptable behavior in a non-public arena rather than continuing to erode the other patrons desired experience around them. Generally speaking, I tend to witness parents consoling the child by diverting their attention with some sort of electronic device that will curb their outburst, or worse yet….they ignore it! What ever happened to teaching your children appropriate behavior and expectations through self-control, boundaries, and consequences without electronic diversions taking on the form of parenting? It’s not as if either of my boys acted up in a public place when they were young, but when they did, we immediately took a trip to the bathroom where I informed them that their behavior would not be tolerated. If it continued, I would go to the car with my child until such time as they garnered a level of self-control, understanding their behavior was not acceptable before returning. Nowadays it floors me to see the number of kids who have their head buried in portable devices rather than engaging in a family event. If your intent is to submerge your child into a world of battery-operated stimuli, then why not hire a babysitter and leave them at home saving us all the frustration?

Do any of you ever miss the “Because I said so” mentality? It worked for me as a kid and continues to work for me as a parent. It’s like the word “no” has been deleted from the parental vocabulary. I don’t feel the need to justify my reasons to my child for every decision I make; after all I am the parent. In the adult workplace if you’re told to do something, you do it; otherwise you will find yourself jobless. Wouldn’t this be equivalent of an adult on-the-job example of because my supervisor said so? Those same principles begin at home. Children are taught to respect authority. By not implementing authoritative respect in your children’s lives, you are in essence teaching them to not respect authority in adulthood. As a parent, you then find yourself wondering why your adult children are ill-equipped to navigate real life circumstances.

When my oldest son was 17, he came home one day with a group of new friends in tow. Walking into the kitchen, he takes a look at me and in a thug-like voice says, “Wasssssup, Mahhhhhh?” I know he was trying to be cool in front of his friends, but the manner in which he spoke to me was unacceptable. With a slight chuckle coming from the motionless lips of his friends, my immediate, yet calm response to him was, “Pardon me? You must have mistaken me for one of your buddies.” I had instantaneously established a boundary line by informing him and his friends that he will address me with the respect I am due. In addition to this exchange, I made it a point to introduce myself to his new friends as Miss Michelle as I strongly believe that children have no business calling an adult by their first name; that, in and of itself, skews boundaries for children by putting adults on the same level as them. I require the use of “Ma’am and Sir” in our home when addressing or answering all adults as a show of respect. Some may disagree, but it works for us.

You see, our home is not a democracy. That’s not to say we require our children to be quiet and do as you’re told with no regard to their feelings or opinions, but ultimately my husband and I are in control, and the laws of our home start and end with us. I am not my sons’ friend, I am their mother, and my role is to raise them in a manner that will provide them with the social, authority, respect, and life skills they will need to survive in the adult world. In addition, it is my job to teach them how to establish their own boundaries when it comes to how others treat them, a level of self-discipline and strong work ethic, and moral compass with a sense of compassion and respect for humankind. Sounds like a tall order, doesn’t it? Well it is…and the disciplines begin at home. My kids are free-willed, free-spirited, yet respectful individuals who can think for themselves yet still have boundaries in place. They are offered opportunities to speak into household decisions, but they also understand the final decisions reside within the parental unit. I value and want to hear what they have to say, but I require that they do so in a healthy and respectful manner. There is no yelling or name calling that goes on in our home. Rather, communicating amongst ourselves in a way that is conducive to respect for everyone involved produces a healthy, calm, and orderly home life.

I know I’m ranting, but I am incredibly alarmed with the notion that today’s youth are being railroaded by parental disengagement through the use of electronic devices and lack of authoritative, parental responsibility. Rather than teaching basic life-skills, boundaries, social interaction, self-discipline, and respect for authority, children are provided with electronic distractions which do nothing but enable them to emotionally and intellectually extricate themselves from reality. Life is about relationships and the experiences derived from them. The first relationship our children experience is that of the parent/child relationship. I consider this to be the most critical of all as it sets us on a life path that determines how well we succeed with those that follow, including self-relationship.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times over the year’s parents, teachers and extended family members have gone out of their way to share with me what respectable, well-mannered, young men my boys are. My response to them has always been, “Thank you so much! It’s a learned behavior that required a tremendous amount of discipline on my part as a parent to instill those expectations in them.” In the back of my mind I’m thinking, “You too can experience this if you’re willing to put forth the required and consistent effort!”

It is our job as parents to engage with our kids in a loving, nurturing, yet authoritative role that promotes the development of healthy boundaries, implementing and fulfilling consequences appropriately, and to provide them with the necessary life-skills that are essential to succeed in today’s society.

Though you may not completely agree with my opinions, I would be interested to hear from you regarding what seems to me to be a negative shift in the American parental roles and the effects it is having on today’s youth.

Just venting…

 

Survivors Journey Part 6 – “Any man that saw you nude would turn around and puke.”

It was September, 1987. My <then> husband sat across the room from me, void of any emotion, and said, “Any man that saw you nude would turn around and puke.” Surely I had not heard him correctly, but his words were undeniably, crystal clear. Swimming in a sea of disbelief, I found myself speechless as our 10 month old son slept peacefully in his room down the hall. How do you respond to that level of psychological demolition? The truth is I didn’t. As always, I merely swallowed my emotions and internalized the pain. But deep inside of me there was a storm brewing, an impending uprising, and it would not be long before an escape plan was devised and put into action.

I was 18 years old when I met Mark. He was 31. That, in and of itself, should tell you something, but Mark was my knight in shining armor. He was educated, successful, handsome, attentive, and he made me feel desired and worthy – all the emotions I never received from my father. During our brief courtship, Mark garnered limitless affection on me. Every weekend we would go dancing at the local honky-tonk, have dinner out with friends, go sailing or water skiing, and inevitably conclude nearly every evening with a passionate, physical encounter. Yes, he was my dream come true, and I was immediately swept up in the fairy tale. Abusers tend to move fast in their relationships; otherwise they run the risk of exposing their true self.

After dating for four months, Mark learned he was being transferred to Oklahoma City and invited me to move with him. I eagerly accepted and delighted in his promise of a beautiful home and a wonderful life together. What girl wouldn’t jump at the opportunity? As my 19^th birthday approached, we planned an evening with friends in celebration of my special day. Dinner and dancing would be the agenda, but never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the fairy-tale night that would unfold. Abusers have a tendency to romance your socks off and treat you like a princess. They usually fill a void in your heart that often times is left from issues you had with your father or mother, i.e. abandonment, acceptance, worthiness, etc.

Upon our friends’ arrival and to my surprise, we were whisked away in a jet black limousine stocked full of bubbly champagne. Following a fun-filled dinner at the Magic Time Machine in Addison, Texas, Mark instructed the driver to take us to Reunion Tower, an opulent, ball shaped tower that over-looks the Dallas skyline. It was there amid the beautiful, crystal clear night that Mark dropped to one knee, cracked open a tiny, black velvet box and asked me to marry him. My fairy-tale romance was more than I ever imagined it would be. This was the man of my dreams! It was only a matter of time before his mask came crashing down, and his true self would inevitably be revealed.

Our move to the Oklahoma City area came one month later. He (not us) purchased our dream home, new furniture, state-of-the-art electronics for the living room, and a pool table for the game room. Once the dollhouse was appropriately decorated, we were adequately prepared to begin playing house. Within two months of living there, I was diagnosed with a large ovarian cyst that would require surgical removal. Recovery was difficult, but the surgery was a success following the removal of my left ovary, fallopian tube, and appendix. Up to that point in my life, I had been on birth control pills, but Mark insisted I not resume my preventative medication following the surgery. He claimed that birth control pills were directly related to the death of his mother, and he couldn’t bear the thought of possibly traipsing through another trauma of that magnitude with me. I obliged. Abusers control their victims and place blame on others’ for their feelings.

It wasn’t long until the vast difference in our ages began to appear as tension grew between us. By March of the following year we were separated, and I had moved back home to Dallas. My residence there would be short-lived as we soon discovered I was pregnant. Mark asked me to come home, claiming he loved me and wanted both of us. Once again, I optimistically obliged. Two weeks after my return, Mark asked me to consider having an abortion. I refused. After all, I still believed in the prospect of my fairy-tale. Abusers often times attempts to manipulate their victims into returning home.

We were married by the end of April and assumed our new roles as husband, wife, and expecting parents. It wouldn’t be long before my dreams were shattered as the first verbal blow was flung over the fence. Four months pregnant, an argument erupted between us amid what seemed to be his daily intoxicated state of mind. “I would have never married you if you hadn’t gotten pregnant,” were the words that flowed in my direction. I stood there feeling like a worthless incubator. The fairy-tale was officially over. Abusers will assault their victims through the use of degrading and hurtful verbal attacks and diminish their worthiness.

Throughout the pregnancy, I continued to stuff my emotions in the form of food and gained 70+ lbs. I felt like a whale. Since I was no longer working, Mark decidedly allocated $300 a month for me to purchase all the household groceries and supplies. The money was given to me in the form of a check which I was to deposit into my checking account. In addition, he gave me a Phillips 66 gasoline credit card as well as a Sears credit card. I was to utilize these resources when gas or clothing items were necessary, purchases I now realize were easily tracked. Outside of that, I had no access to funds garnered from his salary. It was a tight budget, but one that I made do with. After our son arrived, I was met with a temporary reprieve of presumed happiness. Once again, this would be short-lived. Mark continued to work Monday through Friday as I stumbled around his house in my role as wife and mother. As often as possible, I would make the four hour trek to Dallas to see my Mom. It seemed to be the only place I received acceptance and love. Abusers isolate and control their victims by coveting any/all finances.

As the months passed, tensions continued to grow. Neither one of us were happy. Given my lack of social and relationship skills, there is no doubt in my mind that I had a contributing role in the demise of our relationship. But somewhere in the happily-ever-after story, Hollywood forgot to mention dirty diapers, housekeeping, paying bills, budgeting, control issues, verbal abuse, isolation, and conflict. The only witness I ever had in regard to conflict was demonstrated through my father’s departure. When the going gets tough, the weak flee.  I wasn’t about to flee….not yet anyway.

Mark’s drinking continued to escalate, and his after work happy hours at the topless club became more frequent. Having never experienced alcoholism first-hand, I didn’t recognize it for what it was. Out marital intimacy took on the form of a Saturday morning quickie that merely fulfilled his immediate, physical needs. There was no intimacy per se’ as I merely assumed the role of a weekly, sperm receptacle. Eliminating the possibility of history repeating itself, Mark made it known that birth control pills were now an acceptable and expected medication following the birth of our son. Funny how quickly he was able to process the trauma of his mother’s death. Abusers tend to have issues with drugs and/or alcohol. Abusers also tend to demonstrate rigid sex roles in their relationships.

By the time our son was nine months old, the emotional living conditions were devoid of nearly all laughter and happiness. We merely existed. Mark continued to drink, I continued to eat. Food, television, trips to Dallas, and combing the Sears’ isles became my mainstay. I had no real friends, nor any social stimulation to speak of unless it was arranged by Mark. Abusers socially isolate their victims.

Shortly after my 21^st birthday, I ventured out alone one evening for a night out on the town. I don’t know for certain, but I must have lied about where I was going as Mark would surely have disapproved. It was there that I met a man named Marty. We spent the evening drinking, dancing, and laughing, and for the first time in nearly two years I felt desired. While that evening ended in a wholesome goodbye, I soon found myself overwhelmed with the desire to return to the happy place. On my third visit Marty was there, but this time we would depart one another’s company having exchanged phone numbers. Two weeks later I agreed to join him for dinner at his place where a one-time intimate encounter would occur. Arriving home that evening, I was thrust into a world of guilt and shame, fearing Mark would see right through my deception. I just knew he would be able to smell the intimate offence as it seeped from every orifice of my body. As fate would have it, that evening would be the one time in recent history that Mark wanted to have sex. An invitation I politely declined with some form of fictitious excuse. Abusers are jealous and can use sex as a weapon or a means of control.

Following my next trip to Dallas, I shared with Mark that I had returned to our old stomping grounds for a little dancing and fun while I was away. This news was not received with any level of excitement on his part. It wasn’t long after that when the verbal abuse reached its pinnacle. Having stopped off for happy hour (more like happy three hours), Mark arrived home and plopped down on the couch. I was not pleased with his post-work whereabouts and offered no excuses for my discontent. It was at that moment his inner truth was revealed. “Any man that saw you nude would turn around and puke.” I knew I had to flee, and the plans for my escape immediately began to mentally take shape. Abusers emotionally beat down their victims by telling them they are anything short of worthy, valued, or important.

Phone calls were made the following morning to my family in Dallas and arrangements were made for my brother and a friend to drive up later that week. I didn’t dare put anything in writing in fear of Mark discovering it, so I began to a make mental list of all the items I would want to take. On Friday morning as Mark’s bumper drove safely out of site, the truck and trailer pulled around the corner and operation escape commenced. Within two hours, we had loaded up all of my personal belongings, my son’s enormous stock of baby supplies, and any wedding gifts that were given to us from my side of the family. With my infant son nestled safely on my hip, I placed the letter I had written to Mark on the wet bar, loaded a last few items into my car, and set my eyes on Dallas with child in tow. The primary emotion that victims have of their abuser is fear, not love. Victims tend to flee when the abuser is not present; otherwise they risk not successfully escaping.

While I may have been free from his physical control, there is no doubt that the emotional devastation left an enormous hole in the very fiber of my being. My self-confidence was destroyed, self-worth was non-existent, and I found myself paralyzed by the fear of single motherhood. With no job, money, or formal education, I sought a welcome refuge in my mother’s home. Around 8:00 pm that evening, no doubt following another after work happy hour(s), Mark called and apologetically pleaded with me to come home. “I love you. I love our son. I want our family. I’ll do whatever I need to do.” Nestled in the safety of my family, I refused to return. I had finally done it. I had left. I was free. And I was not about to yield to his manipulation once again by succumbing to the unrealistic dreams of fairy-tale endings. No, this time I found the courage to stand my ground. Abusers make promises and tell you what they think you want to hear to regain control of you.

What I’ve learned in therapy is that abusers (in whatever form they take shape) have very specific behavioral tendencies, even from the onset of their first encounter with you. As outlined by www.newhopeforwomen.org the following are attributes of abusers. Those highlighted in bold are specific to my abuse based on present-day recollection.

• Jealousy (insecurity)
• Controlling behavior
• Quick involvement
• Unrealistic expectations
• Isolation – especially of their victim
• Blames others for their problems
• Blames others for their feelings
• Hypersensitivity
• Cruelty to animals or children
• “Playful” use of force in sex
• Verbal abuse
• Rigid sex roles
• Dual personality “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”
• Past battering
• Threats of violence
• Breaking or striking objects
• Any force during an argument
• Drug and/or alcohol abuse

I was lucky. I got out the first time. I find it very disturbing that average victim flees their abuser seven times before they finally break free. While I may have been lucky to get out when I did, the fact remains that I have never completely processed through the emotions I stuffed throughout my fairy-tale ordeal. I still stand in their wake. Yesterday, my therapist and I began to unlock the emotions associated with that time in my life. For the first time in 23 years, I am certain that healing is on the horizon.

When next we meet, I’ll share with you the emotional devastation that has plagued me for years following the “puke” slap; how I reacted (not responded) to that seed and the journey I am on to finally put an end the verbal abuse fallout. Just because you physically remove yourself from a toxic environment doesn’t mean the trauma is past. In fact, that is when devastation’s true impact really begins to take hold. You may be free physically, but you have to work hard to break free emotionally.

You ARE worthy.

You ARE important.

You are NOT alone.

If you know or suspect that you or someone you  know is in an abusive relationship, married or otherwise, please seek help. There are abundant resources available to you no matter where you live. It is there you can find the peace, serenity, and self-confidence you have lost over time. It is the first step you must take in YOUR Survivors Journey.

Depending on the level of abuse, please be aware that visiting internet sites from your home computer can be traced. You are encouraged to use a computer that your abuser does not have access to. Local libraries and some schools are a good alternative. If you dial a hotline from your home phone, please be sure to clear the number from your redial function. Any/all cell phone calls are detailed in their monthly bill. Be certain you do not utilize any device your abuser has access to when planning and immediately after your escape or when seeking help.

24/7 – National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Signs that you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship

Profile of a Batterer

Love vs. Boundaries

My thoughts are heavy this morning of my oldest son, Brad. Brad is such an incredibly intellectual, articulate, and a handsome man who is nearly 24 and has thus far, wasted his adult life. Jumping from job to job, usually resulting from being fired for what , in my opinion, is lack of respect for authority and his inability to take criticism. He has no control over his emotions and continually lashes out at those who love him most. I believe this to be an act of desperation for us to continue to “prove” our love for him.

I used to struggle with boundaries in our relationship as a whole, but this morning I question how I should go forth with yesterday’s latest attack. Brad has been given time and again opportunities to go to community college on our dime, but first he must prove to us that he will commit and follow through with one semester. Once completed, we would reimburse him based on performance so that the following semester would be paid for. But this is not what HE wants. Recently, Brad approached his father and I with a desire to attend “Full Sail University” in Orlando, FL to the tune of $75,000. Uh…no. I investigated this “university” and believe it to be a waste of money that will inevitably result in his inability to attain today’s new found dream. After I expressed my feelings about the school and offered alternatives to him for consideration, I then expressed to him that when he calls, the conversations are solely about  him – never inquiring how I (we) are and what is going on in our lives. He immediately lashed out and spoke to me in ways I have never experienced – from anyone on this earth, ever. I understand we have a separate set of boundaries with various relationships in our lives, but at what point do we disconnect from our children (to a degree) and allow them to feel ostracized? Aside from all the “f-bombs” and “s-bombs” he lobbed over the fence at me, his request was to leave him alone and to forget he was ever was born. He stated he would never again consider himself to be part of this family and would no longer accept my calls, texts, or otherwise.

Mind you, this is not the first time Brad has done this, but what I struggle with at this point is how to establish appropriate and healthy boundaries for the latest assault. He has never apologized or taken accountability for previous assaults on me or this family. At what point do I blockade the verbal violence and no longer allow him to treat me this way? Should I continue to show him my love, or do I merely give him the distance he says he wants and wait for the call to come when he finally grows up enough to recover from his “cranial rectum” disease?

Many years ago, I sought and received forgiveness from Brad for my sins of the past – not being there for him for six years and his feelings of abandonment that resulted from extenuating circumstances (another blog, another time). Yes, believe it or not I was not a perfect mother (who is?) but I also never raised him to talk to me in the manner in which he has. I question the plight of today’s society that appears to have taught the youth that it is acceptable to speak to others in this manner. Where is respect for your elders and where did all the “f-bombs” come from? What on earth did I do to deserve this? Who does he think he is to continue to trample my feelings and expect that I will just continue to forgive him without his submission and admission of wrongdoing? Is that really what a mother is supposed to do? ….my heart says no. If I do, then there will never be an end to the verbal violence.

I’m just so pissed off about this, yet my heart breaks for his lost soul. There is a part of me that just wants to say, “Fine, <bleep> you too…,” but I know that would just be more ammunition for him in the future. He fails to see his role in how screwed up his life is and constantly views himself as a victim of everyone else’s shortcomings. No, he is never to blame. Victim, victim, victim. How I can relate to that so well, yet when will he finally realize that his destiny is within his own disciplines or lack thereof.

Where do I draw the line?

Would I allow others’ to treat me this way? No. So why should I allow him to and what is a healthy way to communicate that?

If I draw those lines in the sand, will they come back to haunt me later, and if they do should that even be a consideration of mine at this time?

Is “tough love” really what he needs?

Is excommunication the position I should take? Maybe more for my sake than for his?

Dilemmas to the nth degree as the plight of being the mother he needs escapes me.

How can a heart break time and again, yet love always seems to prevail?