Listen up ladies! When you don’t receive the essential, emotional securities you need as a child (especially from your father,) odds are astoundingly high that you will enter into unhealthy relationships in a subconscious attempt to satisfy your psyche deficiencies. Your boundaries are skewed as the innate desire to acquire a sense of self-worth overrides your intellectual and/or moral compass. These relationships or encounters may satisfy an immediate need; however you will undoubtedly find yourself worse off in their aftermath as you resume your life as an emotional leech. Read that again – multiple times if you need to, until the truth penetrates your core. It’s important and warrants self-reflection no matter how much it hurts.
If you have been following my journey, you may recall that I did not reap a sense of self-worth or importance from my father. I never felt delighted in, nor was I made to feel like “Daddy’s Little Girl.” Given these facts, it is easy to understand why I was so fiercely swept up into the fairy-tale romance with my first husband, Mark. He romanced me. He 
delighted in me. He made me feel important. He painted the picture of a fairy-tale life together, and then he destroyed me with his verbal assaults and emotional abuse. Following my escape, I could not have been further down the “you suck” pole then I was, and I unknowingly set out on a life path to thwart the ever-present evil that lurked. You see, I had to combat that emotional beast, and I did so in ways that would merely leave me ravenous for more.
My 20’s were riddled reckless abandonment, and with them carried loneliness like nothing I ever knew. While my professional life soared, my emotional health continued to spiral out of control. If and when I did meet a sincere guy, I was certain to sabotage that relationship. After all, I wasn’t worthy, right? How could I ever enter into an authentic relationship with anyone when I had no authentic relationship with myself? The answer is you can’t. It is impossible. You cannot give of your true self to anyone unless you first identify who that person is.
Coors Light, social drug use, and honky-tonks became my best friend. Engulfed in an intoxicated state of alcohol or cocaine, I found the courage to make myself available to men. It was there I temporarily nourished the emotional leech by voluntarily subjecting myself to one night stands and/or unhealthy, 
short-term relationships. These relationships never originated with any level of authenticity, so the “fix” was ultimately provisional. When any amount of discontent entered into a romance, I was quick to take flight and resume my relentless pursuit to identify a sense of self-worth. It was a vicious and self-destructive cycle. All it took was a great fitting pair of starched Wrangler jeans, a button-down, 
long sleeve, tailored shirt, a pair of dusty cowboy boots, and a Stetson hat for me to identify my next target. Being from Texas, the picken’s were anything but slim as the Lone Star State is undoubtedly a “Cowboy Buffet.”
I developed control issues and took great pride in an “I don’t NEED you, I WANT you” mentality. I was quick to let others know they would not control me. I deprived myself of food for days on end to ensure my new-found figure would be 
maintained. I was brash, arrogant, overindulgent, and challenged any level of authority that came my way. I made sure the wrapper looked like that of a woman who was successful. I drove a Cadillac, flaunted wads of borrowed money, lived in an upscale section of town, and made sure my physical appearance was never less than perfect. I resisted developing relationships with other woman as they may see right through me and possibly challenge my behavior or look down on me. What relationships I did have (outside of intimacy) were with my professional subordinates as they cowered to my authoritative position. I was viewed by others as secure, confident, and really having it together. Since my life was based on lies and deception, I viewed myself as a chameleon and could easily adapt to any social environment – an actress of sorts. My time was primarily spent feverishly pursuing my career or feeding the leech. Yes, I was in control, or so it seemed. I was a lost soul who
desperately wanted to be loved. Tell me I’m good enough. Tell me I’m worthy. Delight in me. Please, won’t you just love me? The problem was I didn’t love myself.
Who was I? At the core of my being, what made me tick? What were my motives for doing what I did? Was my life based on “intentionality,” or could it be that I was seemingly unfulfilled and continually “in search of?” These were questions I was not able to answer but more importantly did not want to ask. Understand there is great danger in asking those questions of yourself as you may find an inordinate amount of despair when the truth of who you are is revealed. If you’re honest with yourself and discover you are living a life that is repetitively “in search of,” I would caution you to put the brakes on and take a look within. Chances are you’ll find there is crucial work that needs to be done. I did. That’s why I’m here, and if you’ve been faithfully following my journey that may be why you’re here too. The good news is we are in it together. You are not alone.
So who am I? At the core of my being, what makes me tick? What are my motives for doing what I do? Is my life based on “intentionality” or “in search of?” First and foremost I am a child of God who recognizes He has a purpose for my life; a purpose which I am willing to step outside of my comfort zone in order for Him to work in and through me. I am a fearless warrior in pursuit of transformation so I can be used in the manner in which He intends me to be. I walk in faith knowing that I have been called to share my life experiences with the hope of reaching out to others who are in need of hearing the message. I am a woman who no longer seeks external validation through self-destructive behaviors. I am a loving wife, mother and daughter who is blessed beyond measure to be cherished as I am. I can be over analytical at times, but that comes from being married to an engineer! I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain aspects of my life, yet not others. I am riddled with displaced fear and insecurity but take great pride in the strides I am making to overcome these lies. I am worthy. I am important. I am beautiful. I am opening myself up to vulnerability so that I can not only receive true love but also give it. I am in search of intentionality; in that I find inner peace. While it is true that I fell victim to a life of self-destructive behaviors in the aftermath of an abusive marriage and absentee father, I am intentionally choosing to step away from the lies that were told and to finally deposit the truth. I am a survivor, and I am on a journey toward recovery.
I’m glad you’re here with me. I know I’m not alone.
Michellewhitehead's Blog 